I said I'd write a blog today...
And even though it's 10:30pm, I'll do it anyway!
Here I sit. Atop my top bunk of mine and Rocky's bunk bed. Writing in incomplete sentences. And I wonder, is it possible to prove the existence of Limbo? Well, I have begun to think that my very life is proof of the existence of Limbo.
It's there, people - I'm living it.
Yes, I said that right. I'm not living IN Limbo, I'm LIVING Limbo. You cannot separate me from my situation. The only stability I have right now is in the fact that I have no stability at all, so I will cling to my Limbo as if my life depended on it. Which it does, consequently, so that's quite appropriate.
You might be asking yourself, "Well what the heck is going on in this girl's life that leaves her in such a state?" Or, you might not - either way, I'll answer that for you, because I'm feeling like a peach.
So I'm on my DTS. DTS's consist of a Lecture Phase and an Outreach Phase. We have "completed" the lecture phase and begun the outreach phase...
We went to Romania a few weeks ago. It was the baptism of the four of us DTS girls into missionaryhood.
I just made a word.
Only we have a week of lectures this week. What? Yeah. That's my response. So we're in outreach phase, and we went on an outreach, but now we're back in England having classes once more. It's just messing with my head. I should be in South Africa right now growing in my God-given missionary potential... but I'm here? Buzz killer, man. Total buzz killer.
Or Limbo, really.
Meanwhile, back in Oregon...
I have two houses now. My mom's and my dad's. But neither of them are home. No, home is a different place entirely. Home is where my parents are happily married and my brothers and sister live - everyone together and loving it.
Home doesn't exist in this dismal reality. It only exists in my mercurial mind, in my whimsical walks down the bittersweet Nostalgia Lane.
So have I made England home? No. England is not home either, because all England is is soon-to-be memories. What I have here is constant only for a short time before it changes and can never be replicated again. I have 10 months of convoluted bliss, and I've already lived 7 of them. It's the end of the second act, ladies and gentlemen. There's only one more act before the show is over and we all go home to the sort of blues that always come up after the final curtain call.
Then - then all we have are memories - beautiful, painful memories that both haunt and comfort.
So basically, where is home?
Home is Limbo.
On top of all of this, all of my relationships back in Oregon (and surrounding areas) decided to change overnight... so who do I have to go home to? Well, probably Anne Turner, but she's just about the only really good friend of mine at the moment. I've seemed to find myself making people angry or just wanting to drop me lately. It's really wearing me down. And I have a feeling that actually, the reason most of these people are acting this way is a deeper issue than anything I have done... I just have no clue, because no one wants to communicate anything with me. Communication is not something anyone I know is good at. Seriously. Show me a person who is good at communication. It will be such a relief! So wonderful! I will kiss them full on the mouth!
Okay, extremism to the highest degree there, but I said it to make a point; take the point, leave the strange phrase. You'll be fine.
Where are my friends? That is an excellent question. I have no idea where they are. I only know where I am...
Which is in Limbo.
As my relationships fall apart one by one, my life calling changes. I keep thinking it's one thing, and then some friendship of mine dies a very uncomfortable death and I question what direction my life is heading. This is all excruciatingly confusing. I have no idea what to do with my life. I know what I want to do, but I don't actually know if that is a possibility anymore. So if I don't think it's a possibility, what now? What the heck am I going to do now? Yeah.
Limbo.
I'm in between Phases. I'm in between homes. I'm in between relationships. I'm in between life callings.
Where's Limbo? It's the in between world. It is my very existence.
And it isn't easy.
I asked God where he was today. And he told me.
"Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire.
And after the fire there was
still
small
voice."
That's where God is. He's in my Limbo world with me walking it out alongside his little friend, speaking to me in a still, small voice.
I don't need God to break my Limbo apart so I can have the comfort of stability. I just need to know he is still there with me before I fall asleep at night. I just need to know he's there when I'm weeping from the stress of having a world crumble to pieces around me. And he told me that he is. The LORD is in that still, small voice. And maybe he won't come and tear up my melancholy Limbo to show me he is here and is taking care of me and has a good future planned for me, maybe he won't shake the life out of Limbo, maybe he won't burn Limbo away, but he will whisper to me while I'm here. He will give me grace for each day. And some days will be good days, and some will be not-so-good days, but they are DAYS after all - and God doesn't actually owe me the privilege of life.
This is the journey.
And every day is only the beginning.
P.S. Sorry this is so long and doesn't have any pictures. I promise to have more picture-filled blogs in the future!
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